North

I decided this month to review a movie considered to be one of the worst of all time. I watched the comedy-drama-adventure-family movie North, released on July 22,1994, and based on the book North: The Tale of a 9-Year-Old Boy Who Becomes a Free Agent and Travels the World in Search of the Perfect Parents by Alan Zweibel. Directed by Rob Reiner, it takes place across several different locations. Starring Elijah Wood, Jason Alexander, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, it is rated PG.

A young boy named North has been neglected by his parents for far too long. Seeing as how every other set of parents in the world would be glad to have him, he comes to a decision. In court, he divorces his parents and is given the summer to find new parents. North goes from place to place trying out new parents while also trying to beat his deadline. Can North find the perfect parents in time?

I was interested by the idea of reviewing a film that’s considered among the worst movies ever made. North is famous for when Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert on their review show absolutely trashed it. While they could certainly get critical with movies they disliked, their reactions here indicated an especially bad movie. With those reactions in mind, I had to see this film for myself. Having seen it, I think they were completely spot on. To first address this piece of garbage, let’s talk about the film’s comedy. I have seen some bad comedies in the past, but this tops them all. These are the worst jokes I’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing. The problem with the film’s sense of humor is that every joke is either an annoying pun or dealing with an insensitive topic. To add to this, whenever North goes to a new location to find his new parents, they always try to make humor based on the location’s stereotypes. I’m not completely against humor based on stereotypes if it’s done well. I personally feel that people are overreacting when they view offensive comedy as something that shouldn’t be allowed. But just like every form of comedy, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. The stereotypes here aren’t funny in the slightest, because they just go for the easiest, most obvious jokes they can think of. Since it’s not funny, we’re just left with offensive tasteless portrayals that are uncomfortable to watch. As North travels to Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, the Amish, China, Africa, and France, there’s a lot we have to deal with. The Alaska sequence is easily the worst, having two of the actors wear brownface and trying to make a joke out of a harmful outdated myth. I thought there was one funny scene in the whole movie. This comedy just fails.

The actors and characters are another problem with the movie. To get the one good aspect out of the way, Elijah Wood does give a good performance as North. I don’t like North’s character, which I’ll get to in the next paragraph, but Wood actually plays it well as a kid who’s determined to reach his goal and he reacts well to everything around him. While it might not be the performance of Frodo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings trilogy he would give later in his life, it’s still ultimately an effective performance. Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus play North’s biological parents. This movie came out in the middle of the show Seinfeld’s run, so you would think with their comedic genius on that show, they would give the same comedic genius here. They do not give it even a little, being hurt by the film’s horrible writing. Bruce Willis plays the mentor character who keeps following North around, always in different getups and acting like they’ve never met. While he’s supposed to be memorable and helpful, he just comes across as annoying and gives real stranger danger vibes. That’s a major problem with this cast. More actors in this movie who just fail to deliver include Jon Lovitz, Alan Arkin, Dan Aykroyd, Reba McEntire, Graham Greene, Kathy Bates, Abe Vigoda, John Ritter, Faith Ford, and the list just goes on. Normally, I absolutely love it when movies have an all star cast, even if the movie itself is bad. Here, it just adds to the poor quality of the film, since everyone is completely wasted and no one is allowed to use their acting talents. They might as well have hired little known actors. They would have given the same quality of performances without it being as insulting. A similar point could be made for the film’s director, Rob Reiner. I love two films he’s directed that I’ve seen, The Princess Bride and This Is Spinal Tap. And I’ve even heard of other films he’s directed that I haven't seen that are considered to be well made, which are Stand by Me, When Harry Met Sally…, Misery, and A Few Good Men. In regards to both the actors and Reiner’s directing, this one instance shouldn’t be held against their careers. I don’t think anyone in Hollywood has never done a bad job. Still, their failure to show off their natural talents is another sin against this abomination of a movie.

Finally, I’ll talk about the story. The concept of a kid divorcing his parents and looking for replacement parents is an interesting idea. It’s completely unrealistic, but done in a movie, it’s an idea that has potential. However, even without the problems of the bad comedy or bad acting, this idea still completely fails. Despite the movie’s “best” attempts to portray otherwise, North’s parents don’t actually come across as neglectful. Because of this, North doing all of this just makes him look so extreme and makes him unlikable. Any good that could come from the nice visuals of the different locations gets entirely taken away by the focus on stereotyping. And the stereotyping also gives the vibe that any parent who isn’t a traditional American parent is not good for any kid. Additionally, there’s a nonsensical plotline involving kids gaining power in light of North’s divorce that comes out of nowhere and isn’t entertaining. The ending of the film is a total insult to your intelligence and makes everything you watched feel like a complete waste of  time. I do at the very least enjoy the instrumental theme done by composer Marc Shaiman. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not one of my favorite themes, it’s honestly only a decent theme. But in a movie with this many bad qualities, you kind of take what you can get. It has a nice soothing feel to it, something you’ll need before you deal with all the unpleasantness this movie will give you.

Overall, this is a complete failure of a movie. While there were a few good things with the one funny scene, Elijah Wood’s performance, and the decent instrumental theme, it wasn’t nearly enough to make up for the many bad things. This is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’m not entirely sure where I’d place it, but it would definitely be in my top 10. What an absolute disgraceful use of wonderfully talented people.

North wanted to divorce his parents due to feeling neglected by them. While I did feel the movie did a poor job of making them look neglectful, the sad fact is there are many cases of kids being abused or neglected by their parents. This can lead to severe issues for said kids later in life. We can do something about this. The easiest step would be that if you’re a parent do everything in your power to not be abusive or neglectful. Yes, that won’t stop the issue as a whole, but it still helps. You can also report anything you see or hear that you strongly believe is a case of child abuse or neglect. Changes in society also need to be made. Often, parents can be neglectful not because they want to, but because they have to work so much to provide for their family. Raising awareness about this and working to support change can help. Examples of this are peacefully protesting or giving money to charities that focus on making stricter laws regarding child abuse and neglect, or working directly with families where counseling can help. We can create safer spaces for children with their parents if we all work together on this. It is possible.